Ocean

If I could be one with the ocean, I would be one with you.

That was your favorite place. The sand and ocean waves. falling asleep on the beach while reading your favorite novel.

They say time will heal. The only time I want is being with you in the ocean. you were my soul. My heart aches for you.

Listening to the waves is like listening to you sing. Both are beautiful and soothing. you are one with the ocean now.

The waves are your breaths you take.

The sand is your body, nice and warm

The wind is your soul, calm and peaceful

I don’t think I’ll ever be okay but when my feet touch the ocean, I feel you.

I’ll never understand Gods plan or why you were chosen to go home.

Your purpose was not over.

I guess the good die young.

Poppy seed

You can’t grieve because you weren’t that far along

You can’t cry about a fetus that was the size of a poppy seed.

You can’t cry because you didn’t want nor was ready for a baby anyway.

These are things that make people feel as if they can’t open up

These judgements need to end. Losing anything is hard. The moment that stick turns positive, your whole world changes. You start planning everything. You start coming up with names in your head. Let’s not forget how you start changing your diet to help make the baby grow healthy and strong!

Then you go to the doctors and they say congratulations. You can’t hear the heartbeat because it’s too soon. You don’t care! You think it’s normal and start getting ready and planning your life for a baby that’s the size of a poppy seed.

Then you wake up to bleeding. Bleeding that you heard was normal but to come in just in case. Then they look and can’t see the heart beating. All of a sudden you hear “ I’m so sorry, you are having a miscarriage.” Then before you know it, your heart stops too.

Now you go home empty. No one even knew you were pregnant except close relatives, friends, and the one person who helped you create a miracle you’ll never see or meet.

You start bleeding now heavily. You already prepared for this dreadful moment.

Then you hear… “well at least you weren’t that far along. Let’s not forget the “ it wasn’t the right time.”

You must be crazy now mourning a poppy seed.

Us woman need to end this. We need to know it’s okay to mourn, it’s okay to cry, it’s okay to lay in bed when you start contracting everything out of you even your heart.

You had a loss! that poppyseed was important to you know matter what circumstances you were in! Please be careful with yourself and grieve the way you would any other loss.

Also remember, it was not your fault. You did nothing wrong and you are allowed to feel the way you feel.

Sincerely, one who has had to grieve my poppy seed.

To the Father who Abandoned me at 20

How could you? How can you look in the mirror everyday? Do you mention you have children? Or do you act like we don’t exists anymore after you ran out with your tramp wife?

I was an adult when I chose to write you a letter. Deep and personal. Explaining the horrible things about you that were true but never admitted.

You were a thief. Not just a criminal thief… but a thief or feelings and emotions. You stole my dignity and you stole my self worth. Remember Dad… I was no longer my given name, I was known as a whore or “I fucked her” don’t the street. Ya, something a teenager should hear from a parent while your visiting them in jail right?

I don’t want a relationship with you but yet I want to please you still, I want to prove to you that I was more than the person you thought I was. Why? I guess as a person born with verbally abuse me tattooed on my head needs acceptance by their abuser. you will never know me again. You will never know your now 2 grandchildren. You will never get that privilege. Deep down I wish you would change.

I guess your maybe too old for change?

You burned my confidence and threw it out like an old page of a newspaper ad. I will never be the same however, I know what not to do with my children because of you. Thank you for that.

Please think of me. Think of what you could have done different. Wake up in the middle of the night and sob loudly to the fact that you were such a piece of shit you couldn’t ever meet your grandchildren. I hope your somewhere changing for the better and maybe one day we will meet again.

Your so beyond narcissistic that I do not have high hopes of ever seeing you again.

Just remember this, I was a good daughter. Maybe not by your books or your expectations of a good daughter, but I was a great one. Now that I am not verbally abused every day, I can now recognize that you were the problem. Not me!

Be safe out there in the real world. Please if this reaches you, do not mention my name unless you own being a parent; a shitty one at that.

Sincerely, the daughter you abandoned at 20 years old.

Makeup

That’s right, makeup

Cry silently they say. I never was skilled in that category. I ugly cry until I’ve gone dry. Instead of ugly crying, I put makeup on. Why would I want to waste all of my makeup on crying? Between the 50 dollar foundation and the 45 dollar mascara, there isn’t room for crying when you have makeup on.

I take my brush and add foundation while I breathe in and out to stop the tears from running. I apply the foundation softly the way I want my body to be treated. Let’s not forget the eyeshadow. The darker and brighter, the better. Those are the colors you definitely don’t want running down your face.

As you softly apply the eyeshadow, you start forgetting why you were crying. You must focus your attention on the next step; the eyeliner. If you cry you are totally screwed with this step. Gently applying the eyeliner so close to your lash line just like how close you are to giving up.

You silently see how you can’t mess this up. You realize then that you were that close to giving up. After that thought, you say you will not screw this up. Here comes the 45 dollar mascara. You will not screw this up. You will not give up until that lipstick is applied. Finally you are done. You are done with the canvas on your face. You know you must take good care of it so you set it with setting spray to keep the makeup from giving up.

Take care of yourself, take care of that face, take care of your skin, take care of your body

Losing a parent

Have you ever lost a parent? Have you ever had your heart ripped out of your chest 💔?
Will time heal and put my heart back after it’s been shattered or just stitch it up and act like it’s working again…?

The thing is… I want my heart in pieces. I don’t want this pain gone. I don’t want to move on.
I never knew of this pain people talked about. I never knew the ACTUAL pain.
The pain that keeps you up at night and zombie by day.

I hate people laughing. I hate knowing people are okay. Maybe that’s selfish but it’s the truth. See… that means people are no longer suffering the way you are, and you so badly want them to suffer so your not alone in this pain.
And when I smile or laugh and post stupid funny memes… I feel guilt… I feel like for a moment I forgot that pain.

Does anyone know what the fuck I’m talking about?
Has anyone felt the pain? Or am I just being dramatic?
How in the Hell am I supposed to get up and move on!? See… the one person that was my rock, the person who raised me, the person I breathe with is GONE! I now have to breathe on my own and I don’t know how to do that. How do you move on after that?

I’m only 27! And she was 48! My children need her! I need her! Her husband and my brother and her mother and father and sisters and cousins still fucking need her!

Why her?! Why put her through all this suffering!? She suffered so much until the day she took her last breath! How is that fair!? Ya I get it 🙄 life isn’t fair 👌

I refuse to move on. Maybe that’s bad. Maybe that’s selfish for the people around me. Maybe it’s unhealthy for me… but I don’t care! I refuse to let go!

I pray one day I’ll get answers but until then… I will not be OKAY! No one deserves the pain she endured. If anyone understands the pain she endured, you will know that it was not fair!

I just want to be with her again. I want to hear her voice. I want to talk to her for 6 1/2 hours again. She was my best friend, a sister, a mother, and my soul. We were in sync.

I took her for granted. I never actually understood how sick she was. If I did, I wouldn’t have waisted time. I would have done so much more for her. I just needed more time.

Hospice is traumatic. They can call it comfort care or whatever 🙄 but those 4 days of watching her die and suffer to breathe was not humane! All of the family gathering and singing and crying on top of her, was beautiful but I still didn’t think it was going to happen. I was in denial until I ran and shook her to wake up! Fuck it… I’m still in denial. But then I hit these moments… when it feels as real and a knife stabbed in your chest. And then I realize a piece of me is gone and will be in heaven with her.

Have you ever lost a parent? Well… this one is for you…

I really hope one day I’ll understand Gods plan.
Until then… I refuse to understand why her.