Losing a parent

Have you ever lost a parent? Have you ever had your heart ripped out of your chest 💔?
Will time heal and put my heart back after it’s been shattered or just stitch it up and act like it’s working again…?

The thing is… I want my heart in pieces. I don’t want this pain gone. I don’t want to move on.
I never knew of this pain people talked about. I never knew the ACTUAL pain.
The pain that keeps you up at night and zombie by day.

I hate people laughing. I hate knowing people are okay. Maybe that’s selfish but it’s the truth. See… that means people are no longer suffering the way you are, and you so badly want them to suffer so your not alone in this pain.
And when I smile or laugh and post stupid funny memes… I feel guilt… I feel like for a moment I forgot that pain.

Does anyone know what the fuck I’m talking about?
Has anyone felt the pain? Or am I just being dramatic?
How in the Hell am I supposed to get up and move on!? See… the one person that was my rock, the person who raised me, the person I breathe with is GONE! I now have to breathe on my own and I don’t know how to do that. How do you move on after that?

I’m only 27! And she was 48! My children need her! I need her! Her husband and my brother and her mother and father and sisters and cousins still fucking need her!

Why her?! Why put her through all this suffering!? She suffered so much until the day she took her last breath! How is that fair!? Ya I get it 🙄 life isn’t fair 👌

I refuse to move on. Maybe that’s bad. Maybe that’s selfish for the people around me. Maybe it’s unhealthy for me… but I don’t care! I refuse to let go!

I pray one day I’ll get answers but until then… I will not be OKAY! No one deserves the pain she endured. If anyone understands the pain she endured, you will know that it was not fair!

I just want to be with her again. I want to hear her voice. I want to talk to her for 6 1/2 hours again. She was my best friend, a sister, a mother, and my soul. We were in sync.

I took her for granted. I never actually understood how sick she was. If I did, I wouldn’t have waisted time. I would have done so much more for her. I just needed more time.

Hospice is traumatic. They can call it comfort care or whatever 🙄 but those 4 days of watching her die and suffer to breathe was not humane! All of the family gathering and singing and crying on top of her, was beautiful but I still didn’t think it was going to happen. I was in denial until I ran and shook her to wake up! Fuck it… I’m still in denial. But then I hit these moments… when it feels as real and a knife stabbed in your chest. And then I realize a piece of me is gone and will be in heaven with her.

Have you ever lost a parent? Well… this one is for you…

I really hope one day I’ll understand Gods plan.
Until then… I refuse to understand why her.